i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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