sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
