hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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