There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
