update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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