I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
