This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
