Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
