i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
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I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize