I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize