The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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