My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
