i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
