fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
