I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
