I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
As shirtless as possible
foreskin is a definite game changer
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
