Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
