Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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