just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
