remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
