Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
