I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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