Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
