God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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