Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
