Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
zippers are such a cool invention
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
