god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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