I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
