your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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