Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
