they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
