Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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