Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we're so committed to being not committed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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