she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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