Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We got so high we made milksteak
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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