$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
