He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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