I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
