I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
