dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Your cock deserves a montage
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
