remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
