I'm so fucking centered right now
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
