Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
