You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
