They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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