then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
