omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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