Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
