hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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