The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
