You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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