Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
