Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
