totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
