Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Can Purell be used as lube?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
