I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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